1. Children have difficult moments
-everyone has difficult moments (due to mood, fatigue,
hunger), kids are no exception. In fact, they can be even more susceptible to
these things.
-When this happens, it’s important to help children to feel
that you are registering their opinions because they tend to be more sensitive
than normal.
-Some children have difficulties that make them chronically
inflexible (i.e. learning disabilities, ADHD, autism).
-Some kids have difficult temperaments, sensitivity to
tastes, sounds, and touch, and difficulty adjusting to transitions. These are
often difficult for adults to understand but they are very real inabilities.
2. Difference between unwillingness and inability
-As a parent it’s hard to differentiate between being unable
and unwilling. What we think is the reason behind it can greatly influence our
ability to patient.
Cues to help know if it’s genuinely difficult for the child:
-Be carefully in tune with how your child thinks and feels
and their emotional signals. If you understand your child well, it will be
easier to tell when they are overwhelmed.
-Watch for situations where your child’s emotions overwhelm
them and learn what more vulnerable situations (hunger, sleep, change) are
where they have a higher likelihood of “losing it”.
-Are there situations that almost always seem to be hard for
your kid? What patterns do you see in parenting? There may be things that
simple seem to come harder for your child or situations that are especially
upsetting.
3. Explosive Episodes
-In difficult moments, children become more inflexible and
unable to meet further demands. They become more and more frustrated and then
their ability to control themselves decreases until they are out of control.
-This is not because they are manipulative or because their
parents can’t handle them. It’s because they are delayed in their development of
problem-solving skills and frustration tolerance.
In these situations, parents have to make a strategic
choice: a. insist on the demands they have made or b. look for another way to
settle the child down in order to help them work through their frustration.
This choice leads to calming and resolution or toward explosive behavior.
*Remember--They are not trying to be manipulative. Punishing
at this point only makes it work.
Inflexible Children + Inflexible Parents = Explosive
Behavior
-if your child is truly overwhelmed, you may need to adapt
as the parent.
4. Why latitude is better than traditional limit setting in
difficult settings
-In difficult moments, traditional limit setting will not
work because children are not capable of remembering, following through, or
staying on task. When overwhelmed, they are truly “out of control”.
-To get your child back in control, parents need to find
ways to sooth and quiet them so they can regain the ability to think.
-Sometimes parents take it personally when the child gets
upset.
5. Responding with Flexibility
a. Avoiding situations in the first place
-hard situations can damage bonds with your child. Here are
some skills to help avoid these situations:
-Lead-time warning. Warn
your child ten minutes because they need to do something (come for dinner,
bedtime) and then again at 5 minutes, and again at one minute.
-Change your
schedule, when possible, to fit better with the child’s capabilities.
Making sure they are home to get a nap.
-Be positive with
your child as possible. Keep the “emotional bank account” filled.
-Try to understand
how you may be contributing to the problem.
-Work on your own
frame of mind. Parents need to avoid meltdowns too.
b. Catching problems in early stages
-Once you see the warning signs you need to act quickly.
c. Parenting strategies: Plan A, Plan B, and Plan C.
-Your decision making progress should maybe involve three alternative
plans:
-Plan B is where learning occurs. Plan A is where you have
to hold the line, and Plan C is where you graciously let it go to preserve or
rebuild the relationship.
-Plan A. Using plan A means moving ahead with a
“parent-in-control” attitude. There are some issues that parents must insist on
like issues of safety. An explosion may be unavoidable and may have to be
tolerated. Plan A should be used be kept to as few behaviors as possible.
-Plan B. There
are some issues that, with patience and skill, parents may be able to help the
child work though and understand. These are good opportunities to teach your child. You can help with
emotion coaching, validating, and problem solving.
-Plan C. Some
issues aren’t worth insisting on and need to be forgotten or put on the
backburner because there are more important things to be resolved. You might do
this to 1. Preserve the relationship, 2. Work on other behaviors, or 3. The behaviors
in question aren’t ones you can keep track of or enforce.
Questions to ask yourself:
1. How important is it that she be able to master this
frustrating situation right now? Is it a high priority?
2. is she able or capable of learning the skills needed now? Is she mature enough?
3. With my help and support, can she make it through this
situation successfully?
*If the answer to all
three of these questions is yes, the situation falls into Plan B.
6. Skills to help children learn to deal with frustration
-Help Children learn to recognize and express their
frustration appropriately
-Get the child’s permission to help
-Teach children how to compromise
-Help your child with social skills
-Help the child see the situation from another perspective
-Practice good communication skills in your house
7. Children who need even more flexible parents
-Activity. More
active, restless, constantly on the go
-Concentration.
Easily distracted, or difficulty paying attention
-Intensity. Loud,
loud laughing, loud crying, loud everything.
-Regularity. Not predictable
in patterns of sleep, appetite, and bowl habits.
-Persistence.
Negative persistence: relentless and stubborn when they want something.
Difficulty changing activities.
-Sensory Activity.
Gets over stimulated from noise, bright lights, colors, smells, pain, warm
weather, tastes, the texture and feel of clothes.
-Adaptability.
Difficulty with transition and change.
-Mood. Serious,
unhappy, cranky.
-Initial Withdrawal.
Initial response to newness—new places, people, food, clothes—is to withdraw.
