Chapter 10-Latitude through understanding self
A. What is latitude?--"Wiggle room" for children to have their own unique personalities. Not the opposite of limits, the child needs both latitude and limits. But within the limits, the parent can validate and encourage children's own unique preferences to encourage latitude.
- Story about a father who once forced his son to eat his vegetables and watched while his son held the vegetables in his mouth with tears streaming down his eyes for a few minutes. The father was ashamed at forcing him to do this.
- Another story about the same son sort of deciding to rebel against the family norms. He started listening to hard punk rock and the dad just put up with it because he didn't appreciate the music, but didn't want to lose a relationship with his son over it. His son also got an earring and he just laughed it off the same way. But at the same time, his son was cutting classes and failing school. When the dad went to have the conversation about not cutting classes, he was hoping he'd have enough money in the emotional bank account for his son to listen to him. He did. His son started salvaging his grades and doing better.
^^Children need the experience of listening to their own voices and hearing what they want and learning how to get it. Otherwise they'll grow up and not know how to do this.^^
1. Simpler Skills of Latitude
a. Emotion coaching helps children feel validated in their own opinions.
b. Letting children lead. a.k.a. Don't do for kids what they can do themselves. Only step in when they are about to give up or are frustrated.
2. More Challenging skills of Latitude: Understanding yourself
a. The part of you're self you're born with. (Generic hand-me-down)--Examples: a child who is soothed by physical touch will be soothed by it later, and vice versa. or Less active children grow into less active adults. Etc.
b. The part of "you" you learned (social hand-me-downs)--Just like clay, everyone who touches us in some way leaves an impression. The most influential sculptor of a child is the family--how they interact informs how the child will interact in the world with others. Then, you invite the parents to reflect on how their FOO has affected them and how that might affect their parenting.
c. How you make sense of the world (internal working model). What our family teaches us eventually moves inside of us so that even when we are far far away from our family, their unspoken rules guide how we live our life. What are your internal dialogues and beliefs about yourself? How does this impact how you parent your children?
d. Keep the good; change the bad. There are no perfect parents, you have the power to become a transitional character.
B. Skills at Home
Homework to think a lot about themselves and see how it impacts their parenting, etc. etc. etc.
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