10/6/14-LLL Session 10

Chapter 10-Latitude through understanding self

A. What is latitude?--"Wiggle room" for children to have their own unique personalities.  Not the opposite of limits, the child needs both latitude and limits.  But within the limits, the parent can validate and encourage children's own unique preferences to encourage latitude.  

         - Story about a father who once forced his son to eat his vegetables and watched while his son held the vegetables in his mouth with tears streaming down his eyes for a few minutes.  The father was ashamed at forcing him to do this.   

        - Another story about the same son sort of deciding to rebel against the family norms.  He started listening to hard punk rock and the dad just put up with it because he didn't appreciate the music, but didn't want to lose a relationship with his son over it.  His son also got an earring and he just laughed it off the same way.  But at the same time, his son was cutting classes and failing school.  When the dad went to have the conversation about not cutting classes, he was hoping he'd have enough money in the emotional bank account for his son to listen to him.  He did.  His son started salvaging his grades and doing better.  

^^Children need the experience of listening to their own voices and hearing what they want and learning how to get it.  Otherwise they'll grow up and not know how to do this.^^

1.  Simpler Skills of Latitude

a.  Emotion coaching helps children feel validated in their own opinions.  

b. Letting children lead.  a.k.a. Don't do for kids what they can do themselves.  Only step in when they are about to give up or are frustrated.  

2. More Challenging skills of Latitude: Understanding yourself

a. The part of you're self you're born with.  (Generic hand-me-down)--Examples: a child who is soothed by physical touch will be soothed by it later, and vice versa.  or Less active children grow into less active adults.  Etc.

b. The part of "you" you learned (social hand-me-downs)--Just like clay, everyone who touches us in some way leaves an impression.  The most influential sculptor of a child is the family--how they interact informs how the child will interact in the world with others.  Then, you invite the parents to reflect on how their FOO has affected them and how that might affect their parenting.

c. How you make sense of the world (internal working model).  What our family teaches us eventually moves inside of us so that even when we are far far away from our family, their unspoken rules guide how we live our life.  What are your internal dialogues and beliefs about yourself?  How does this impact how you parent your children?

d. Keep the good; change the bad. There are no perfect parents, you have the power to become a transitional character.  

B.  Skills at Home

Homework to think a lot about themselves and see how it impacts their parenting, etc. etc. etc.  

LLL Session 11

1. Children have difficult moments

-everyone has difficult moments (due to mood, fatigue, hunger), kids are no exception. In fact, they can be even more susceptible to these things.

-When this happens, it’s important to help children to feel that you are registering their opinions because they tend to be more sensitive than normal.

-Some children have difficulties that make them chronically inflexible (i.e. learning disabilities, ADHD, autism).

-Some kids have difficult temperaments, sensitivity to tastes, sounds, and touch, and difficulty adjusting to transitions. These are often difficult for adults to understand but they are very real inabilities.

2. Difference between unwillingness and inability

-As a parent it’s hard to differentiate between being unable and unwilling. What we think is the reason behind it can greatly influence our ability to patient.

Cues to help know if it’s genuinely difficult for the child:

-Be carefully in tune with how your child thinks and feels and their emotional signals. If you understand your child well, it will be easier to tell when they are overwhelmed.

-Watch for situations where your child’s emotions overwhelm them and learn what more vulnerable situations (hunger, sleep, change) are where they have a higher likelihood of “losing it”.

-Are there situations that almost always seem to be hard for your kid? What patterns do you see in parenting? There may be things that simple seem to come harder for your child or situations that are especially upsetting.

3. Explosive Episodes

-In difficult moments, children become more inflexible and unable to meet further demands. They become more and more frustrated and then their ability to control themselves decreases until they are out of control.

-This is not because they are manipulative or because their parents can’t handle them. It’s because they are delayed in their development of problem-solving skills and frustration tolerance.

In these situations, parents have to make a strategic choice: a. insist on the demands they have made or b. look for another way to settle the child down in order to help them work through their frustration. This choice leads to calming and resolution or toward explosive behavior.

*Remember--They are not trying to be manipulative. Punishing at this point only makes it work.

Inflexible Children + Inflexible Parents = Explosive Behavior

-if your child is truly overwhelmed, you may need to adapt as the parent.

4. Why latitude is better than traditional limit setting in difficult settings

-In difficult moments, traditional limit setting will not work because children are not capable of remembering, following through, or staying on task. When overwhelmed, they are truly “out of control”.

-To get your child back in control, parents need to find ways to sooth and quiet them so they can regain the ability to think.

-Sometimes parents take it personally when the child gets upset.

5. Responding with Flexibility

      a. Avoiding situations in the first place

      -hard situations can damage bonds with your child. Here are some skills to help avoid these       situations:

     -Lead-time warning. Warn your child ten minutes because they need to do something (come for dinner, bedtime) and then again at 5 minutes, and again at one minute.

    -Change your schedule, when possible, to fit better with the child’s capabilities. Making sure they are home to get a nap.

     -Be positive with your child as possible. Keep the “emotional bank account” filled.

     -Try to understand how you may be contributing to the problem.

    -Work on your own frame of mind. Parents need to avoid meltdowns too.

        b. Catching problems in early stages

-Once you see the warning signs you need to act quickly.

      c. Parenting strategies: Plan A, Plan B, and Plan C.

      -Your decision making progress should maybe involve three alternative plans:

      -Plan B is where learning occurs. Plan A is where you have to hold the line, and Plan C is where you graciously let it go to preserve or rebuild the relationship.

       -Plan A.  Using plan A means moving ahead with a
“parent-in-control” attitude. There are some issues that parents must insist on like issues of safety. An explosion may be unavoidable and may have to be tolerated. Plan A should be used be kept to as few behaviors as possible.

      -Plan B. There are some issues that, with patience and skill, parents may be able to help the child work though and understand. These are good opportunities to teach your child. You can help with emotion coaching, validating, and problem solving.

     -Plan C. Some issues aren’t worth insisting on and need to be forgotten or put on the backburner because there are more important things to be resolved. You might do this to 1. Preserve the relationship, 2. Work on other behaviors, or 3. The behaviors in question aren’t ones you can keep track of or enforce.

Questions to ask yourself:

1. How important is it that she be able to master this frustrating situation right now? Is it a high priority?

2. is she able or capable of learning  the skills needed now? Is she mature enough?

3. With my help and support, can she make it through this situation successfully?

*If the answer to all three of these questions is yes, the situation falls into Plan B.

6. Skills to help children learn to deal with frustration

-Help Children learn to recognize and express their frustration appropriately

-Get the child’s permission to help

-Teach children how to compromise

-Help your child with social skills

-Help the child see the situation from another perspective

-Practice good communication skills in your house

7. Children who need even more flexible parents

-Activity. More active, restless, constantly on the go

-Concentration. Easily distracted, or difficulty paying attention

-Intensity. Loud, loud laughing, loud crying, loud everything.

-Regularity. Not predictable in patterns of sleep, appetite, and bowl habits.

-Persistence. Negative persistence: relentless and stubborn when they want something. Difficulty changing activities.

-Sensory Activity. Gets over stimulated from noise, bright lights, colors, smells, pain, warm weather, tastes, the texture and feel of clothes.

-Adaptability. Difficulty with transition and change.

-Mood. Serious, unhappy, cranky.

-Initial Withdrawal. Initial response to newness—new places, people, food, clothes—is to withdraw. 

LLL ch. 12

This chapter was all about putting all of the skills together. It just had a lot of practice and role plays to discuss and know which skills to do when. 

There really wasn't any new information.

LLL-Session 9

LLL-Session 9: Limits through Time-out

1. Introduction to time-ou

-Many people us time-out without realizing its full potential

-Some ways of using time-out are really effective, some aren’t.

-Time out works best because 1) children feel bad about the disruption in the closenss or wond they want to have with their parents, 2) because they find that every time they misbehave they miss out on opportunities, and 3) because sometimes children need “alone” time to settle themselves down from an agitated state.

-Children who know they are loved want to restore their sense of connection.

-time-out motivates children to learn to control themselves.

-they learn what their parents value

The model for applying time-out:

Situation à Child’s behavior is unacceptable èParent hs child go to time-out and the child is temporarily separated from family relationships à Childs unacceptable behavior decreases.

-time-outs are most effective with kids under the age of 10, when done properly.

-Parents who use time-out need to decide when time-out will be used, where it will occur, and how long.

2. Identifying when Time-out will be Useful.

-too many time-outs are confusing for children

-Once a child knows the rule, few or no warnings should be used

3. Identifying where Time—out will be

-should be a place where the child is not getting attention and the surrounding environment is sterile.

-For older children, it’s best one done in a

4. Identifying how long time-out will last

-One minute for every year of the child’s life—up to five minutes.

-start the timer when the child has stopped crying or having a tantrum.

Helpful Guidelines:

-For children four years and older add one minute to time-out for each minute they refuse to go to time-out, up to ten minutes total time-out

-For each minute the child misbehaves in time-out, one minute is added, up to ten minutes

-if an older child (four years and older) leaves time-out, two minutes are automatically added for each time they leave, up to 10 minutes total time-out.

-Before being allowed out of time-out, the child needs to be quiet and behave appropriately for the last two minutes of time-out.

-If time-out reaches 11 minutes or more, consequences are given or privileges are taken away, Parents need to be judicious when doing this and avoid negative family loops.

5. Implementing Time-out

Demeanor of parents:

-Should be calm, matter-of-fact, and assertive. They should know you mean business.

-Don’t express excess emotions

-Don’t use time-out as a time to lecture or scold them.

Parental togetherness:

-parents need to work together

Explain time-out to child:

-explain what time-out is and how it will be implemented before you actually implement it.

Installing time-out

-the hard part is installing it as a procedure that the children accept

-when starting, pick one or two behaviors that will qualify for time-out

Be prepared for a rough start:

-Plan on having to make multiple attempts

-Allow plenty of time

-Be patient and calm

Let it be over:

-when punishment is over, welcome them back and let them know that you appreciate being with them. 

LLL-Session 8 9/29/2014

LLL- Session 8: Limits through Consequences

1. Skills Refining

-Review how the home activity on rewards went. This is important to review because different parents probably had different experiences.

-Review validation skills

Introduction to Consequences

When children misbehave there are three different kids of consequences parents can choose to address the behavior—ignoring them, taking away privileges, punishing.

2.Ignoring

By ignoring, you send the message that the behavior will not be reinforced or rewarded in any way

-parent can expect a certain amount of whining and complaining and this is normal

-judicious use of ignoring will teach the child that it doesn't do any good to whine or complain.

-the most difficult part is knowing when to ignore and when not to ignore.

-parents can effectively use ignoring when 1.) what children want is parental attention and 2.) when the negative behavior is not dangerous or hurtful.

“noise out the mouth” is a term they use to describe when kids are aware of the rule and the reason for the rule but they continue to whine and complain to get attention or delay things…or in the hopes that the parents will reverse a decision.

“Hurtful and/or harmful words or behavior” are times when children actions or words are putting people at risk for emotional and physical damage. Parents have a responsibility to intervene at these times.

*To effectively ignore misbehavior, keep your cool and simply act suddenly absorbed in something else. Don’t make eye contact and turn your back so your child cannot get even a frown. If children can see that you are angry or upset they can tell that they have an effect on you. Stop ignoring when the child stops whining and complaining and start giving positive attention when they are behaving positively.

2. Taking Away Privileges

Situation à Child’s Behavior à Consequence (review the model from Session 7)

-In taking away privileges, the parent takes away something that the child enjoys after misbehaving. :In punishment, the parent gives something to the child that is unpleasant, such as an extra chore.

The model for taking away privileges would be:

Situation à Child’s behavior is unacceptable à Parents take away privileges àChilds unacceptable behavior is decreased, if parent is consistent in letting the child know that such behavior will cost them opportunity.

*For children under 12, the loss of privileges should be short

*Make sure the child knows that opportunities are available to them if their behavior is appropriate.


3. Punishment

Model for giving punishments:

Situation à Child’s behavior is unacceptable à Parent gives a punishment à Child’s unacceptable behavior is decreased if parent is consistent in punishing the negative behavior.

-Punishment should only be used when parents believe that emotion coaching and ignoring their child’s misbehavior is inappropriate.

5. The “do’s” of consequences :

-5:1 Ratio—for every time privileges are taken away or punishment is given, there should be five positive parent-child interactions through attention and praise.

 -Think through or even make a list of consequence options, such as “ignoring”, “taking away consequences”, or “punishments”.

-If at all possible, give consequences immediately

-When possible, decide ahead of time what consequences will be administered when household rule are broken.

-When possible, make sure consequences are understood by children.

-Be consistent across time and parents

-Stay calm

-Separate consequence from love

-use natural or logical consequences when possible

-consequences may also provide teaching moments

-Grounding is usually ineffective. If used, it should be for a short amount of time

-If one technique hasn't worked, consider something different.

6. The “don’ts” of Consequences:

-Don’t punish when, in your emotions, you want to hurt the child

-Don’t withdraw love

-Don’t take away privileges or routines that connect

-Don’t take away privileges that the child has earned

-Don’t make the other parent the enforcer of the rules

-Don’t reward negative behavior

-Don’t fall into negative family loops

LLL Session 5: Values Help Connect and Set Limits

To start out you review everything from the previous week.  That should be pretty straight forward.  You can understand the course of the session simply by reading the questions that they ask.  It isn't super complex.

1. The three anchors and family values
1. Values anchor our lives when things get tough.  The 3 anchors (love, limits, and latitude) will all be affected by the values of your family. 
2. How parents can teach values to their children
1. Verbal Teaching
1. "In your experience, how well does telling = teaching = behavior change work for you and your children?"
1. Telling them doesn't really work, or does so in only a weak way.
2. "Why do you think simply telling or preaching our values to children is not very effective?"
1. There are better ways to teach values rather than simply just saying them.
3. "What ways of talking about values do you think are more effective than simply telling children or lecturing them?"
2. Teaching Through Example
1. This is definitely a stronger way.
2. "As parents, why do you think it is so important for our actions to demonstrate the values we talk about and expect our children to live by?"
1. This is an obvious question.  Practice what you preach.  I keep thinking of the quote "Sorry I can't hear what you're saying because of how loud your actions are." or something to that effect.
3. "If parents want children to love and respect them, the parents will..."
4. "What are your children really learning from you?  Is this different from what you intend for them to learn?"
5. "Did any of you have experiences as teenagers where the way your parents lived and behaved either led you to embrace or reject the things they were trying to teach you?"
6. "What lessons can you learn from your reactions to your parents' teaching methods to help you with your own children?"
3. Teaching Through Experiences
1. With this method you are creating experiences to help your children to learn a value by having a chance to practice it.  They engage and practice the value alongside their parents
2. "Why do you think experiences are such a powerful method of teaching values?"
3. "What are some things you have personally learned from experience that you doubt you could have learned another way?"
1. Generosity
2. Hard Work
3. Honesty
4. "What kinds of experiences for teaching have worked well for you and your children?"
5. "What mistakes have you made with trying to teach through experience?"
3. using values to help determine where to set limits
1. The values and limits of your family should be principally based.

9/30/2014 Love, Limits, and Latitudes Session 7

9/30/2014 Love, Limits, and Latitudes Session 7

Session 7: Limits Through Rewards

Summary Introduction

• The Purpose
• Review the home activity on effective commands
• Understand how rewards affect both anchors of love and limits
• Understand major concepts, so parents can build more structure and positive family interactions.
• Apply rewards through home activity.  As parents are deliberate in their application of rewards, it will increase appropriate structure and positive family interactions.
• Enjoy attending group and interacting with one another.  Group interaction and disclosure are the glue that holds the program together.
• The Major points are:
• Rewards can be used to change behavior
• Parents can use social, tangible, or experience rewards
• Rewards can enhance limits and love
• Rewards can create positive patterns in families
• How to use rewards appropriately
• Prior to beginning this session:
• Bring an example of a simple tangible rewards system
• Review the checklist of supplies and preparation. 

Session Script

• Getting Started
• Starting Session, welcome parents
• Today's agenda, Introduce the agenda to parents
• Skills Refining
• Review home activity on effective commands
• what went well, what didn't go well, what were the most effective commands, review what they remember about praise and attention, and past skills that they have learned.
• Skills Learning and Practice
• Rewards can be used to foster both limit setting and love
• how rewards are part of limit setting
• where there is appropriate structure the home is more calm.
• rewards encourage children to follow the limits
• how rewards create love
• rewards are better than punishments
• rewards provide structure and love
• social rewards are the best, they are free and given often, smiling, praising.
• rewards can create positive patterns in families
• positive reaction from parents usually get positive reaction from children.  Everyone is happy:)
• What are rewards/kinds of rewards?
• Tangible rewards
• can be touched and physically felt: treats, stickers, cards, toys, or money
• Experience rewards
• more commonly called privileges, these can be experiences or opportunities to do something pleasurable, alone or with others, including the parent.
• Social rewards
• attention and praise
• Giving the child something they want (positive reinforcement)
• Taking away something the child doesn't want (negative reinforcement or "relief")
• How to use rewards
• Be clear and explicit about what the child is being rewarded for.
• what is a reward for one child is not a reward for others
• The difference between rewards vs a bribe is that rewards work best when they are explained in advance of the situation.  A bribe is when you give a reward once a child is misbehaving. 
• Skills at home
• Home activity on using rewards
• In session have parents decide on a behavior they want to reward this week and how they will reward it.  Lead a discussion about what these rewards will be, and help group members to apply the principles learned in this session.  Have them write these down.  You can use handout 7.2 "home activity on using rewards"
• Encourage parents to review the skills of praise and attention this week, which fit in nicely with the idea of social rewards.
• Points to remember
• Remember rewards affect both anchors of love and limits
• proper use of rewards can build more structure and positive family interactions
• There is a big difference between rewards and bribes.  Bribes "pay off" a child before he or she complies with the request or command.  Rewards are given after the child responds appropriately.
• Rewards can create positive patterns in families
• Session Evaluation

Session Handouts

• Session Outline
• Home Activity on Using rewards
• Points to remember
• Session Evaluation