LLL-Session 9

LLL-Session 9: Limits through Time-out

1. Introduction to time-ou

-Many people us time-out without realizing its full potential

-Some ways of using time-out are really effective, some aren’t.

-Time out works best because 1) children feel bad about the disruption in the closenss or wond they want to have with their parents, 2) because they find that every time they misbehave they miss out on opportunities, and 3) because sometimes children need “alone” time to settle themselves down from an agitated state.

-Children who know they are loved want to restore their sense of connection.

-time-out motivates children to learn to control themselves.

-they learn what their parents value

The model for applying time-out:

Situation à Child’s behavior is unacceptable èParent hs child go to time-out and the child is temporarily separated from family relationships à Childs unacceptable behavior decreases.

-time-outs are most effective with kids under the age of 10, when done properly.

-Parents who use time-out need to decide when time-out will be used, where it will occur, and how long.

2. Identifying when Time-out will be Useful.

-too many time-outs are confusing for children

-Once a child knows the rule, few or no warnings should be used

3. Identifying where Time—out will be

-should be a place where the child is not getting attention and the surrounding environment is sterile.

-For older children, it’s best one done in a

4. Identifying how long time-out will last

-One minute for every year of the child’s life—up to five minutes.

-start the timer when the child has stopped crying or having a tantrum.

Helpful Guidelines:

-For children four years and older add one minute to time-out for each minute they refuse to go to time-out, up to ten minutes total time-out

-For each minute the child misbehaves in time-out, one minute is added, up to ten minutes

-if an older child (four years and older) leaves time-out, two minutes are automatically added for each time they leave, up to 10 minutes total time-out.

-Before being allowed out of time-out, the child needs to be quiet and behave appropriately for the last two minutes of time-out.

-If time-out reaches 11 minutes or more, consequences are given or privileges are taken away, Parents need to be judicious when doing this and avoid negative family loops.

5. Implementing Time-out

Demeanor of parents:

-Should be calm, matter-of-fact, and assertive. They should know you mean business.

-Don’t express excess emotions

-Don’t use time-out as a time to lecture or scold them.

Parental togetherness:

-parents need to work together

Explain time-out to child:

-explain what time-out is and how it will be implemented before you actually implement it.

Installing time-out

-the hard part is installing it as a procedure that the children accept

-when starting, pick one or two behaviors that will qualify for time-out

Be prepared for a rough start:

-Plan on having to make multiple attempts

-Allow plenty of time

-Be patient and calm

Let it be over:

-when punishment is over, welcome them back and let them know that you appreciate being with them. 

LLL-Session 8 9/29/2014

LLL- Session 8: Limits through Consequences

1. Skills Refining

-Review how the home activity on rewards went. This is important to review because different parents probably had different experiences.

-Review validation skills

Introduction to Consequences

When children misbehave there are three different kids of consequences parents can choose to address the behavior—ignoring them, taking away privileges, punishing.

2.Ignoring

By ignoring, you send the message that the behavior will not be reinforced or rewarded in any way

-parent can expect a certain amount of whining and complaining and this is normal

-judicious use of ignoring will teach the child that it doesn't do any good to whine or complain.

-the most difficult part is knowing when to ignore and when not to ignore.

-parents can effectively use ignoring when 1.) what children want is parental attention and 2.) when the negative behavior is not dangerous or hurtful.

“noise out the mouth” is a term they use to describe when kids are aware of the rule and the reason for the rule but they continue to whine and complain to get attention or delay things…or in the hopes that the parents will reverse a decision.

“Hurtful and/or harmful words or behavior” are times when children actions or words are putting people at risk for emotional and physical damage. Parents have a responsibility to intervene at these times.

*To effectively ignore misbehavior, keep your cool and simply act suddenly absorbed in something else. Don’t make eye contact and turn your back so your child cannot get even a frown. If children can see that you are angry or upset they can tell that they have an effect on you. Stop ignoring when the child stops whining and complaining and start giving positive attention when they are behaving positively.

2. Taking Away Privileges

Situation à Child’s Behavior à Consequence (review the model from Session 7)

-In taking away privileges, the parent takes away something that the child enjoys after misbehaving. :In punishment, the parent gives something to the child that is unpleasant, such as an extra chore.

The model for taking away privileges would be:

Situation à Child’s behavior is unacceptable à Parents take away privileges àChilds unacceptable behavior is decreased, if parent is consistent in letting the child know that such behavior will cost them opportunity.

*For children under 12, the loss of privileges should be short

*Make sure the child knows that opportunities are available to them if their behavior is appropriate.


3. Punishment

Model for giving punishments:

Situation à Child’s behavior is unacceptable à Parent gives a punishment à Child’s unacceptable behavior is decreased if parent is consistent in punishing the negative behavior.

-Punishment should only be used when parents believe that emotion coaching and ignoring their child’s misbehavior is inappropriate.

5. The “do’s” of consequences :

-5:1 Ratio—for every time privileges are taken away or punishment is given, there should be five positive parent-child interactions through attention and praise.

 -Think through or even make a list of consequence options, such as “ignoring”, “taking away consequences”, or “punishments”.

-If at all possible, give consequences immediately

-When possible, decide ahead of time what consequences will be administered when household rule are broken.

-When possible, make sure consequences are understood by children.

-Be consistent across time and parents

-Stay calm

-Separate consequence from love

-use natural or logical consequences when possible

-consequences may also provide teaching moments

-Grounding is usually ineffective. If used, it should be for a short amount of time

-If one technique hasn't worked, consider something different.

6. The “don’ts” of Consequences:

-Don’t punish when, in your emotions, you want to hurt the child

-Don’t withdraw love

-Don’t take away privileges or routines that connect

-Don’t take away privileges that the child has earned

-Don’t make the other parent the enforcer of the rules

-Don’t reward negative behavior

-Don’t fall into negative family loops

LLL Session 5: Values Help Connect and Set Limits

To start out you review everything from the previous week.  That should be pretty straight forward.  You can understand the course of the session simply by reading the questions that they ask.  It isn't super complex.

1. The three anchors and family values
1. Values anchor our lives when things get tough.  The 3 anchors (love, limits, and latitude) will all be affected by the values of your family. 
2. How parents can teach values to their children
1. Verbal Teaching
1. "In your experience, how well does telling = teaching = behavior change work for you and your children?"
1. Telling them doesn't really work, or does so in only a weak way.
2. "Why do you think simply telling or preaching our values to children is not very effective?"
1. There are better ways to teach values rather than simply just saying them.
3. "What ways of talking about values do you think are more effective than simply telling children or lecturing them?"
2. Teaching Through Example
1. This is definitely a stronger way.
2. "As parents, why do you think it is so important for our actions to demonstrate the values we talk about and expect our children to live by?"
1. This is an obvious question.  Practice what you preach.  I keep thinking of the quote "Sorry I can't hear what you're saying because of how loud your actions are." or something to that effect.
3. "If parents want children to love and respect them, the parents will..."
4. "What are your children really learning from you?  Is this different from what you intend for them to learn?"
5. "Did any of you have experiences as teenagers where the way your parents lived and behaved either led you to embrace or reject the things they were trying to teach you?"
6. "What lessons can you learn from your reactions to your parents' teaching methods to help you with your own children?"
3. Teaching Through Experiences
1. With this method you are creating experiences to help your children to learn a value by having a chance to practice it.  They engage and practice the value alongside their parents
2. "Why do you think experiences are such a powerful method of teaching values?"
3. "What are some things you have personally learned from experience that you doubt you could have learned another way?"
1. Generosity
2. Hard Work
3. Honesty
4. "What kinds of experiences for teaching have worked well for you and your children?"
5. "What mistakes have you made with trying to teach through experience?"
3. using values to help determine where to set limits
1. The values and limits of your family should be principally based.

9/30/2014 Love, Limits, and Latitudes Session 7

9/30/2014 Love, Limits, and Latitudes Session 7

Session 7: Limits Through Rewards

Summary Introduction

• The Purpose
• Review the home activity on effective commands
• Understand how rewards affect both anchors of love and limits
• Understand major concepts, so parents can build more structure and positive family interactions.
• Apply rewards through home activity.  As parents are deliberate in their application of rewards, it will increase appropriate structure and positive family interactions.
• Enjoy attending group and interacting with one another.  Group interaction and disclosure are the glue that holds the program together.
• The Major points are:
• Rewards can be used to change behavior
• Parents can use social, tangible, or experience rewards
• Rewards can enhance limits and love
• Rewards can create positive patterns in families
• How to use rewards appropriately
• Prior to beginning this session:
• Bring an example of a simple tangible rewards system
• Review the checklist of supplies and preparation. 

Session Script

• Getting Started
• Starting Session, welcome parents
• Today's agenda, Introduce the agenda to parents
• Skills Refining
• Review home activity on effective commands
• what went well, what didn't go well, what were the most effective commands, review what they remember about praise and attention, and past skills that they have learned.
• Skills Learning and Practice
• Rewards can be used to foster both limit setting and love
• how rewards are part of limit setting
• where there is appropriate structure the home is more calm.
• rewards encourage children to follow the limits
• how rewards create love
• rewards are better than punishments
• rewards provide structure and love
• social rewards are the best, they are free and given often, smiling, praising.
• rewards can create positive patterns in families
• positive reaction from parents usually get positive reaction from children.  Everyone is happy:)
• What are rewards/kinds of rewards?
• Tangible rewards
• can be touched and physically felt: treats, stickers, cards, toys, or money
• Experience rewards
• more commonly called privileges, these can be experiences or opportunities to do something pleasurable, alone or with others, including the parent.
• Social rewards
• attention and praise
• Giving the child something they want (positive reinforcement)
• Taking away something the child doesn't want (negative reinforcement or "relief")
• How to use rewards
• Be clear and explicit about what the child is being rewarded for.
• what is a reward for one child is not a reward for others
• The difference between rewards vs a bribe is that rewards work best when they are explained in advance of the situation.  A bribe is when you give a reward once a child is misbehaving. 
• Skills at home
• Home activity on using rewards
• In session have parents decide on a behavior they want to reward this week and how they will reward it.  Lead a discussion about what these rewards will be, and help group members to apply the principles learned in this session.  Have them write these down.  You can use handout 7.2 "home activity on using rewards"
• Encourage parents to review the skills of praise and attention this week, which fit in nicely with the idea of social rewards.
• Points to remember
• Remember rewards affect both anchors of love and limits
• proper use of rewards can build more structure and positive family interactions
• There is a big difference between rewards and bribes.  Bribes "pay off" a child before he or she complies with the request or command.  Rewards are given after the child responds appropriately.
• Rewards can create positive patterns in families
• Session Evaluation

Session Handouts

• Session Outline
• Home Activity on Using rewards
• Points to remember
• Session Evaluation

9/30/14 LLL chapter 6

 Intro to Limits

Setting limits means providing discipline
As parents provide discipline it creates structure and boundaries in children's lives.
Before children can feel secure they need to know what the rules are and that the rules hold.
It is difficult to be comfortable in an unpredictable environment. When parents provide structure it helps children feel like their world is safe and predictable. They know what to expect when they behave in certain ways. This gives them a feeling of control over themselves and their world.

               rigid__________________balanced________________chaotic

Today's session will focus on how parents can use effective commands when setting limits

DONT FORGET THE LOVE-- don't forget all that great stuff we learned in the previous sessions. They still need to be implemented.

Commands That Work

• Clear commands: explain the rule and be direct and specific in the expectation and a firm/assertive tone of voice that is also polite. 
• "Settle down," "stop it," and "act your age," are all unclear and vague (not good) but things like "sit down" or "keep your hands in your lap" are good because they are specific.
• Use language your child will understand. It would be stupid to tell a 3 year old to "be responsible"

Positive Commands

This is telling your child what to do instead of what not to do. Instead of "don't put the toys there" say something like "Please put the balls on the bottom shelf and the blocks on the top shelf". "Stop yelling" vs "please talk more quietly" or "don't hit your brother" vs "keep your hands to yourself".

Provide Explanations and Give alternatives

Instead of just telling your children "no" explain what your no is about. It's frustrating to just get a "no" and they don't know why they are being refused. Then give an alternative!

When/Then Commands

In the "when" part the parents give the command, in the "then" the parent tells what opportunity will follow. "When you eat your vegetables, then you can have some ice cream"

In doing this parents are giving children a choice. If the "when" doesn't happen, the parents don't give the "then".

Follow Through

When parents make a command they need to follow through which demonstrates to the children that they mean what they say.

Lead Time Warnings

This is letting your children know ahead of time that a command is coming. This allows children to mentally shift gears and prepare for the change that is coming.
Make sure the child understands the command!!

Commands that don't work

Is the command necessary??
pick your battles and only pick the ones that are important to win. "unessential commands are often directed towards small changes that do not really matter and tend to rob children of initiative and may not be important for you to follow up with.
if you don't care enough to enforce the command, don't give it!

Unforceable Commands

Demanding that a child do something that the parents can't enforce becomes a battleground if the relationship is tense. Example: don't eat candy your friends give you at school! A child may comply if the relationship is good, but if not they will start to learn deceit.

Let's Commands

This implies you will do it with the child. Be clearer if you don't plan on doing it with the child! "let's go to bed"

Question Commands

If the child doesn't have an option, it's probably not a good idea to use a question command. Example: "Do you want to put your toys away now?"

Chain Commands

Two or more commands given together. This is doomed for failure, kids can't remember more than 1 or 2 things at a time. Match your commands to the child's developmental level.

What to do when Commands don't work!

Model Obedience

Example:

-Parent: "Simon, please come and take out the garbage"

(Simon keeps playing as if he didn't hear)

-Parent: "Yes, mama"

-Simon (reluctantly but compliantly): "Yes, mama"

Ignore (noise out the mouth)

Sometimes children whine, argue, or attempt to negotiate. If the child's feelings are sincere, do some brief emotion coaching. But if the tantrum is just to distract the parents, ignoring is your best option.

Avoid Arguments

 Children argue to distract parents, just ignore it. You can justify commands, but justifications are short and to the point and not repeated a million times. 

Here are some good methods:

• The broken record method
• Once you state the command and the reason, simply repeat what you say verbatim if your kid tries to argue. 
• Divert and distract:
• This works especially well with young children. If they ask to go play and you say no, and you know an argument is coming you can quickly ask how show and tell went or something else to get their mind off the argument.

9/22/14- Barber & Xia

So, this article was really long and hard to follow/summarize. It mostly talks about parenting styles/types. But this was the gist of it—there are different kinds of psychological control that parents can use on their kids. Psychological control has a lot of bad outcomes. Here are some main points/parts that I took from the article.

-Nurturance (e.g. support, acceptance, responsiveness) is an adequate and reasonable regulation of behavior, and an absence of intrusive behaviors that manipulate to demean the child’s individuality.

-The element of control is an important factor in parenting and child development. Optimal functioning is undergirded by a basic tension between individual freedom (autonomy) and control (regulation, conformity).

There are two major forms of control exerted by parents--Parental Psychological Control & Parental Behavioral Control.

 “The two forms of control [psychological and behavioral] appear to have opposite effects on the adolescent…Adolescents appear to be adversely affected by psychological control—the absence of “psychological autonomy”—but positively influenced by behavioral control—the presence of “demandingness”

Developing children require:

1. an adequate degree of psychological autonomy, that is, that they learn through their social interactions that are effective, competent individuals with a clear sense of person identity
2. sufficient regulation of behavioral to enable them to learn the social interaction is governed by rules and structures that must be recognized and adhered to in order to be competent member of society

-Research has continued in depth and there has been found to be a significant association between psychological control and problematic child functioning.

-Psychological control is the control of the personal domain, strategic manipulation and pressure, conditional regard, coercion and disrespect

-According to research sighted in this article, psychological control—particularly manipulative forms such as love withdrawal, guilt induction, and conditional regard—is by definition controlling because its purpose is to coerce the child into feeling pressured to control or change him-or herself (i.e. his or her thoughts, feelings and behaviors).  This pressure to conform prevents the volitional functioning of the child, a cardinal principle of self-determined autonomous functioning.

-When these control attempts keep happening over time, the child internalizes the pressure to change themselves according to perceived parental demands and does so out of a desire to avoid anxiety, guilt, and shame.

-Children experiencing such control will learn not to value their independence worth but to consider themselves acceptable individuals only to the degree that they do/become what their parents demand.

-Parental conditional regard is effective in getting behaviors from kids in certain areas but has a lot of negative emotional and relational impacts.

-both conditional regard and psychological control predicted the mediator of shame after failure

-dependency-oriented psychological control : attempts to make the child psychologically and emotionally dependant on the parent.

-achievement-oriented psychological control: demands excessively high degrees of achievement by the children

Psychological Control as Coercion

-Coercive parenting has been studied and been associated with internalizing and externalizing adverse outcomes in children

Authoritative vs. Authoritarian:   Both are confrontive discipline which is firm, direct, forceful, and consistent. Authoritarian adds on coercive discipline which is preemptory, domineering, arbitrary, and concerned with retaining hierarchal family relationships.

-Parents can also exert psychological control by excessive domineering and interactions with their children.

Collection of data determined eight main types of psychological control:

-ridiculing

-invalidating

-violation of privacy

-guilting

-excessive expectations

-comparing to others

-ignoring

-Psychological control can impede the child’s ability to develop as an individual apart from the parent.

9/21/14-LLL Session 1

Essentially, begin with an intro much like we had with Andy and Lanae.  Ask parents what they want out of the group, ground rules, intro yourselves, etc.  Overview of the program and then talk about how love is the most important anchor in the program.  Then move on to the skills portion of the day...

1.  Children feel loved through play

     a.  Play is the language of children.  Parents who don't know how to play likely grew up in a home without it, but today they are going to relearn it.  It's accepting, nurturing, and loving for their kids to be played with.

2.  Special Playtime

     Step #1-The first activity and homework is to find time to play with your child.  This is 15-20 min of uninterrupted time a day playing with your child and letting him set the activity and pace of the the play.  Adjust to your situation.  (Leaders need to validate parents' concerns for how this will take too much time and they'll be overwhelmed, etc.  Problem solve to come up with solutions.)

    Step #2-This is a time where the child is the leader.  Don't criticize, ask questions, correct, or take control.  You can gently correct if they start to be destructive, but mostly just listen.  This is the first step to learning their language.
                  a.  Leaders prepare a few skits which show all the wrong ways to play with a child and ask the class to identify them.  1) parent correcting play, 2) parent criticizes play, 3) parent always wins race with toy cars because of competition, 4) parent is constantly quizzing "What does a frog say?", "what color is this block?", etc.

    Step #3-Join in your child's play as a supporter and enthusiast.  Try not to ask questions, just describe what they're doing or seem to be feeling (like reflective listening).  For example, "So you're rolling out the play dough into snakes, cool!", or "you're feeding your dolly just like a real baby, nice and gentle, look what a great mommy you are already!", etc.  Just let your child revel in your rapt attention and enthusiasm.  Think of yourself as a narrator or sports announcer, haha.  Appreciate what your child CAN do.
                 a.  Have someone volunteer to be the child and have the class come up with 5 ways to describe what they're doing and 3 ways to describe how they might be feeling.  Keep practicing for a while, them break into smaller groups and try this.