9/30/14 LLL chapter 6

 Intro to Limits

Setting limits means providing discipline
As parents provide discipline it creates structure and boundaries in children's lives.
Before children can feel secure they need to know what the rules are and that the rules hold.
It is difficult to be comfortable in an unpredictable environment. When parents provide structure it helps children feel like their world is safe and predictable. They know what to expect when they behave in certain ways. This gives them a feeling of control over themselves and their world.

               rigid__________________balanced________________chaotic

Today's session will focus on how parents can use effective commands when setting limits

DONT FORGET THE LOVE-- don't forget all that great stuff we learned in the previous sessions. They still need to be implemented.

Commands That Work

• Clear commands: explain the rule and be direct and specific in the expectation and a firm/assertive tone of voice that is also polite. 
• "Settle down," "stop it," and "act your age," are all unclear and vague (not good) but things like "sit down" or "keep your hands in your lap" are good because they are specific.
• Use language your child will understand. It would be stupid to tell a 3 year old to "be responsible"

Positive Commands

This is telling your child what to do instead of what not to do. Instead of "don't put the toys there" say something like "Please put the balls on the bottom shelf and the blocks on the top shelf". "Stop yelling" vs "please talk more quietly" or "don't hit your brother" vs "keep your hands to yourself".

Provide Explanations and Give alternatives

Instead of just telling your children "no" explain what your no is about. It's frustrating to just get a "no" and they don't know why they are being refused. Then give an alternative!

When/Then Commands

In the "when" part the parents give the command, in the "then" the parent tells what opportunity will follow. "When you eat your vegetables, then you can have some ice cream"

In doing this parents are giving children a choice. If the "when" doesn't happen, the parents don't give the "then".

Follow Through

When parents make a command they need to follow through which demonstrates to the children that they mean what they say.

Lead Time Warnings

This is letting your children know ahead of time that a command is coming. This allows children to mentally shift gears and prepare for the change that is coming.
Make sure the child understands the command!!

Commands that don't work

Is the command necessary??
pick your battles and only pick the ones that are important to win. "unessential commands are often directed towards small changes that do not really matter and tend to rob children of initiative and may not be important for you to follow up with.
if you don't care enough to enforce the command, don't give it!

Unforceable Commands

Demanding that a child do something that the parents can't enforce becomes a battleground if the relationship is tense. Example: don't eat candy your friends give you at school! A child may comply if the relationship is good, but if not they will start to learn deceit.

Let's Commands

This implies you will do it with the child. Be clearer if you don't plan on doing it with the child! "let's go to bed"

Question Commands

If the child doesn't have an option, it's probably not a good idea to use a question command. Example: "Do you want to put your toys away now?"

Chain Commands

Two or more commands given together. This is doomed for failure, kids can't remember more than 1 or 2 things at a time. Match your commands to the child's developmental level.

What to do when Commands don't work!

Model Obedience

Example:

-Parent: "Simon, please come and take out the garbage"

(Simon keeps playing as if he didn't hear)

-Parent: "Yes, mama"

-Simon (reluctantly but compliantly): "Yes, mama"

Ignore (noise out the mouth)

Sometimes children whine, argue, or attempt to negotiate. If the child's feelings are sincere, do some brief emotion coaching. But if the tantrum is just to distract the parents, ignoring is your best option.

Avoid Arguments

 Children argue to distract parents, just ignore it. You can justify commands, but justifications are short and to the point and not repeated a million times. 

Here are some good methods:

• The broken record method
• Once you state the command and the reason, simply repeat what you say verbatim if your kid tries to argue. 
• Divert and distract:
• This works especially well with young children. If they ask to go play and you say no, and you know an argument is coming you can quickly ask how show and tell went or something else to get their mind off the argument.