9/20/14-LLL Session 2 - Love Through Attention and Praise

I'm with Lauren on these ones.  These chapters are really weird to write summaries for because there are summaries of the previous chapters and then they are outlines for leading a parenting group.  One example of what I will be skipping are things like "Welcome parents to group and let them know that you appreciate them being there."  I'll give all the detail that you need, but it's pretty straightforward.

1.  Children Need Attention and Praise

Key questions from this section:

• What did attention and praise mean to you as a child?
• How did you feel when your parents were critical of you?
• What gets in the way of you giving your child attention and praise?
• Most parents spend far too little time praising their children
• Did any of you or your friends do similar things out of a desire to get your parents to pay attention to you?
• How much does it mean to children to have you see them perform - in dance, plays, sports, or even learning how to skip, whistle, or ride a bike?
• Sometimes when they don't get that attention they will go inward and tell themselves that they aren't important.
• In what ways do your children seek attention from you?
• How do your children respond when they don't get attention from you?
• How do you children respond when they do get attention from you?

2.  Using Attention and Praise to Build Love

This is important for a couple of reasons.  First, attention and praise help children develop a healthy sense of love and appreciate for themselves.  Second, a lack of praise and attention is unfortunate in that it damages the loving relationship between parents and children.  Think about Gottman's emotional bank account.  Giving praise and attention solidifies a child's feelings of love between the parent and the child.

3.  Using attention and praise to change behavior

Paying attention to good behaviors reinforces those good behaviors.  When we only pay attention to the negative behaviors we tend to reinforce those behaviors.  Think about it in terms of social rewards.  Social rewards, such as attention and praise, may be even more powerful than other reward systems like candy or money because they are related to the fundamental need for connection and love.

Important Questions:  How does it make sense that mom telling the children to stop fighting may actually invite more fighting in the future?   Can you think of any examples where you have used praise and attention to change your children's behavior?  Think for a moment about a behavior you would like to see increased in your child.  How could you use attention and praise to try and increase this particular behavior?

4.  The difference between attention and praise

Both praise and attention require parents to focus on their children.  One difference is that attention tends to be non-verbal, while praise uses words.  Examples of attention are watching a child while they are playing, smiling, or looking up and listening when a child talks to you.  Praises are easier to point out.

5.  Practicing effective attention and praise

• Be specific
• Instead of saying "Good boy!" say "Good coloring on that paper.  I really appreciate it!"
• Use Enthusiasm
• Be appropriately enthusiastic with you praise, but be enthusiastic.  This comes across in tone of voice.  It should be proportionate with what they did.
• Use Physical touch
• E.g. playing blocks with your children and you touch their knee, putting your hand on their shoulder, etc.
• Adjust praise to the age and abilities of the child

Questions to ask the group - they do a role play to get things started

• Why do you think specific praise is more effective than general praise?
• What is wrong with general praise?  (Not saying that all of it is bad)
• How do your children react to praise when it is clear from your tone of voice that you don't care much about what they did?  How is it different when you show enthusiasm?
• Can you think of examples of times you touched your child while praising him or her and you felt like your message really got through.
• Why do you think touching your children while talking to them makes such a big impact?

When to Praise

1. Parents have an endless supply of praise and its free, so use it liberally, anytime, just to let your child know you love him or her.
1. Don't wait for your child to be perfect
2. Catch your child being good and praise good behavior to help them learn how to be socially competent
3. Praise Immediately and Consistently
1. Praise looses its impact with time and sounds more artificial when given long after the event.  However, late praise is better than no praise.
4. Children like to hear you praise them in front of other people
5. Try to use more praise for difficult children, even just for the initiation of good behavior.

Remember, the authors believe that people only truly change for people they trust.